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i'll be seeing you, van

my good friend, vanessa jeruta, passed away on march 12. she was only 23 years old.

it has been too long since i last hugged and talked to her. i miss her terribly....now, that feeling will never go away. i grieve, not only for the loss of a noble soul but for a life left unfinished. vanvan had a lot of dreams and she had been putting her life on hold; enduring a call center job she particularly did not enjoy, just to save for her future plans. big plans that won't be fulfilled anymore.

she was one of the most unselfish persons i knew. she loved helping others. she took on responsibility without a thought for herself. without her, i don't know how i would have kept my sanity during our last year at the Spectrum. she was, quite literally, my right hand. she was the one person i could never scream at because i knew she was the most hardworking among us. she would lie for me...but never lie to me. she was a confidante who listened to my woes and who never tired of telling me, "kaya ta ni talz."

in her diary she supposedly wrote that she knew she was dying but decided to keep it to herself. typical of vanvan. as one friend said, she remained brave and true to herself till the end. i just hope that on her last day she knew, that if she called i would've come running. i know that she would have done the same thing for me.

no goodbyes, jvans. thank you for everything and i love you. i'll be seeing you again.

grilled lemongrass chicken in sweet chili sauce and chocolate decadence

i spent my Valentine’s with my closest friends from the office. we found this cozy restaurant in Banilad where the food was great, the dessert was heavenly, and the service was excellent. I had grilled lemongrass chicken in sweet chili sauce for the main course and had chocolate decadence for dessert. mmmmm, it was orgasmic. better than sex. that was the highlight of my valentine's day.

or maybe i’m just bitter. my so-called boyfriend did not call or text me for valentine’s. i’m not really a romantic person but i’d like to know that i’m remembered on such “special” occasions. him forgetting or not making the effort to call me fuels my skepticism about love and all that shit. i mean, my friend Drew refused an invitation to dinner or whatever with his ex because he already promised to go out with us on valentine’s, now why can't a so-called boyfriend take the time to make the girl he calls the “love of his life” feel loved??? why can’t he be as thoughtful??? grrr…….

i’m just ranting i know. but it’s such a disappointment to have my cynical ideas about love and romance confirmed. i want this man i want to share my life to prove me wrong.

--------------------------------------------

my last song syndrome for today:

flying away by moony

I wake up
I wash my face and go
here’s another day, I'm sure
I'll fight for what I love
and my music keeps going on
my heart begins to beat
and my music keeps going on
it makes my life complete
I’m flying away, I'm flying away
I’m flying away, I'm flying away
It's the sound I cannot live without
as the rhytm goes, I’m sure
my soul will never pause
and my music keeps going on
it opens up my eyes
and my music keeps going on
'cause one day I was blind
I’m flying away, I'm flying away
I’m flying away, I'm flying away
I'm flying...
I'm flying away

valentine's

why is it that when a single woman is pushing 30, everyone around her is frantically pressuring her to settle down and get married?? i will turn 28 this year and i do not feel any compelling desire to settle down and be tied to one man for the rest of my life. not that i want to be alone but i just like the freedom that i'm enjoying for now. i don't want to be "owned" by anyone just yet.

however, though i always say i'm not in a rush to get married, i do admit i take pleasure in having a partner to share my life with. yep, there's someone special out there for me now. the operative words are "out there." he's so far away from me right now (as in the Middle East) that i sometimes don't really feel like i'm in a relationship. i guess you can call it a virtual relationship. it's like having a boyfriend in my mind. sometimes i wonder if i'm just imagining his existence even though i do talk to him on the phone. i do envision our future together but it still seems blurred to me. it was more concrete when he was just back home here with me. but then, people have to make sacrifices to make a living. i guess i can't complain about that specially when the sacrifice was made for me.

it's hard, putting your life on hold for one person when nothing is really certain. no matter how much i am constantly reassured, i still have my doubts. i don't know if it's a sign of immaturity or it's just how i'm made as a person. words are empty for me unless i see it become reality. no matter how many text messages and long reassurances i get over the phone, it doesn't compare to feeling and seeing the physical expression. the bond is just stronger that way.

call me lame, but i really just want my partner to be here WITH me. because there are times when you don't need to hear the words; when having him hold your hand or kiss your forehead is all that you need to keep you going.

i, shopaholic

my name is talia and i am a compulsive shopper.

it doesn't matter if i'm just buying tsinelas or splurging on expensive stilleto shoes; i cannot leave the mall without making a purchase. i'm not even bothered when i just see a single P100 bill left in my wallet and payday is 10 days away; when i'm at a mall, i just have to purchase something or i go home feeling like a loser.

it could be worse i know, thank God i am not a kleptomaniac. i actually pay for my purchases. it's just that it's a sickness i can't control and i often end up broke because of it. my room is full of useless clutter-- knickknacks that outlive their use in a day and shoes and accessories i seldom wear. i'm an emotional shopper: i shop when i'm happy, when i'm sad, when i'm lonely, when i'm bored, in sickness and in health, payday or famine time. every occasion is an excuse to go shopping.

i've been working for a year and a half already and i have almost no savings to show for it. and i dont even have any credit card bills to pay; i just cant imagine where i would be now if i had a credit card. therapy is taboo here in the boondocks unfortunately so lest someone says i'm a loony, i wouldnt dare go to a psychologist/psychiatrist for this. and besides, most of the psychologists here are loonies themselves. not enough training, i think. but that's another story.

so here i am, flat broke...again. but it's just mind over matter right? or rather, mind over money. so moving forward, i hereby resolve not to purchase anything on a whim unless it fulfills a basic need for food, clothing, shelter, or knowledge (i will never scrimp on buying books. never.) so help me God.

remember 50 first dates?

it would be nice to be loved by someone who would still be there for you even if he had to start every day by introducing himself and telling you how he came into your life.

Love Song by 311

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

unsolicited advice

good advice is most effective if you actually follow it. i was skimming through my college yearbook and i picked up this message/advice from my big soul sister, Ms. Jean Lee, who is the moderator for our college paper. there's probably something for you in there, too.

let's see what i've accomplished so far:

1. "make a life, not just a living."
right now, i'm still struggling to keep a job i do not enjoy because i have almost zero savings for the past year. i'll get there somehow.

2. "when dealing with people, be honest and be kind."
i am too honest for my own good, i think. many people hate me for saying hurtful things even if they were true. just ask my siblings.
as for being kind, i don't like being too nice. i just hate it when people take advantage of me.

3. "follow your heart"
been there. done that. following your heart means being vulnerable to pain as well. it's worth it, probably, but it's a lesson you have to learn the hard way.

4. "it's not what other people say about you, it's what you say about yourself;
it's not what happens to you that counts, it's what you do about it that matters."
i'll say it again, I am bigger than the cirscumstances surrounding my life.

5. "there are always many sides to the truth and alternative solutions to a problem."
the best lesson i learned so far. never jump to consclusions. assume nothing.

6. "last but not least: God and you, together, are bigger than it all"
this last one i'm still trying to understand.

desperately seeking the perfect man

seriously, is he really out there?

i just watched the perfect man. it was this chick flick about a teenage daughter (hilary duff) and her single mom (heather locklear) who was desperately looking for the perfect man. apparently, according to this movie, the perfect man is just out there waiting to find me. hah.

this is the perfect man for me:

basics first,
he must must have an IQ above 115
is heterosexual and is not even minutely confused about his sexuality
(abovementioned traits are non negotiable)

brushes his teeth 3x a day
takes a bath at least 2x aday
has clean, trimmed nails
and doesn't pick his nose in public.

can drive
can swim and knows CPR
has no pathological addictions
pays his taxes and has no criminal record
doesn't belong to a cult that considers women as 2nd class citizens
is healthy and with all limbs and organs intact
(no discrimination intended; it's just that i'm a very, very needy woman)

he must have a wild imagination, too.

if possible,
he is a good cook
a self made man
a deep thinker
a passionate writer
has good fashion sense
likes reggae and alternative music
can play at least one instrument and i don't mean his dumb stick
is not finicky with food (i enjoy durian and fried frog legs and cricket adobo)

would rub my feet at night before i go to sleep
is opinionated but not arrogant (i dislike men who say nothing or say too much)
has the strength and endurance to travel the world with me and carry my backpack for me throughout the journey
has infinite patience (especially if i'm running a loud commentary about the ills and woes of humanity while watching a soap opera on television)

and it would be a wonderful bonus if he
fulfills every promise he makes
is willing to grow old with a crazymadwomandiva like me
and give me a blank check every month without asking me when, where, why, with who, how i used it...

that's all.
is that too much to ask???

inkblot from the past

note: the guy who moved me to write this reappeared in my life again a month ago.
just thought it would be nice to republish it.

wordplay

you look into my eyes as I sip my coffee
and argue about politics with you.
the world outside ceases to exist
the moment you hold my hand
and run your fingers down my arms.
all my senses awaken each time you smile at me;
even though I’m lashing out at you
for your twisted ideas and opinions;
you let me win the argument anyway.

we are kindred souls wandering in our own clandestine universe.
disagreeing yet understanding,
our minds coming together as one in a sensuous interplay of words.

no one touches me like you do.

~stelle ©2002

missing me

i feel like i live in two dimensions. on one level, i have always been the misanthropic bitch who would rather talk to herself in the mirror than suffer in the company of other people. on another level, i am the sweet, fun-loving, thoughtful co-worker who would endure one-sided conversations (with me on the listening end) at the pantry during the office lunch hour.

somehow, though, i'm not myself anymore.

i miss writing. i miss having all the time in the world to do nothing but immerse myself in my own mental universe. i miss the deliberate act of writing down my random thoughts in pen and paper. now i'm resigned to writing blogs and emails. i feel so detached from the world that i revelled in.

i miss being involved, not with someone, but in something. i miss having a mission and a purpose. oh, i still have my goals, but somehow, i've been sidetracked by the need to make ends meet. my life as a student writer was filled with the all-consuming passion to question the notions people have always percieved as truth and to make individuals criticize the realities they're used to. now as a call center e-rep, i find myself drowning in mundane concerns; bills to pay, quotas to reach, appraisals to pass...like a zoid in auto-mode: i eat, i work, i sleep and ,then, i wake up and do it all over again without complaint.

i miss sharing uncensored thoughts with kindred souls at 3 in the morning. i remember spending countless nights with the friends who know me the most--talking about life, politics, faith (and the necessity of God), the futility of nurturing romantic relationships, man's addiction to celebrity, insatiable needs, unwanted pleasures, and whatever else we could think of.

i miss the feeling of knowing that although i don't have all the things i want, i had all the things i need.

the weirdest thing is, i find myself satisfied with the monotony of the life i live now. and that scares me.